hi all. for those of you who know me or have followed along on thee hallowed instagram, know that i am with child.
i use that old fashioned saying because it resonates more with me than "pregnant".
but yes, i'm PREGNANT.
and let me tell you, my first trimester was... well...
it was horrible.
beyond horrible. and as a friend of mine said to me today, "why aren't more people talking about this?"
my thoughts exactly as i suffered through 6 weeks of trauma inducing depression, severe morning sickness, and pain in the form of cramping, painful gas, headaches, nausea, and oh gosh the lack of food.
i lost 15 pounds in a month during my first trimester!
so, my husband and i told our families pretty early on (at 5 weeks).
this is not standard practice as miscarriages can happen at 13 weeks. going through all of this on a personal level has me asking:
WHAT THE FUCK?
why do we advice women to keep their agony a secret? why do we support ISOLATION in a time of great need? why do we say "it would be AWKWARD" if you experience a miscarriage, instead of "we want to be here for you no matter what. share your story, your pain, as much as you want or need to."
overall, i'm learning more than ever how silenced the female experience is.
the first trimester of pregnancy has a way of highlighting all the shittiest, most difficult parts of what it is to be a woman.
and our culture HARDLY TALKS ABOUT IT.
a saving grace for me as i have grappled with the trials of a changing body, hormones, and what has felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders, is doing yoga.
and not just any yoga; this is yoga led by the amazing human and my dear friend Mary Lois.
we share similar trauma histories, relationship stories, and have battled with the internal destruction that can be our own rage + pain.
well, i'm learning with mary that this no longer needs to be a battle. this can be a dance. it can be a gentle reconfiguring of WHERE your rage + pain is channeled. how it's channeled. and yoga is one such place where fierceness, fluidness, and gentleness can all come to play at once. in our VERY OWN BODIES. wow.
for the longest time (about 8 weeks) i didn't want to do diddly squat. i played my nintendo switch as much as i felt i could, i slept, i ate what i could, and i literally breathed through my days. it was about all i could handle.
this past week i have felt a new energy surge through me again. it is still wearisome and addled with exhaustion, but it's there.
and i've been channeling it into creating. just for the hell of it.
for me, this has meant dabbling back into watercolor painting. and combining it with my old sketches/doodles and calligraphy work.
for instance, below is a sketch i made in december:
today i added some watercolor paint (to my dismay of course the ink bled some. but i think it's fine!) and some of my calligraphy.
art is really strange.
for my part, 99% of the time i don't know what i am going to create.
or how it's going to turn out.
but i'm slowly learning to accept this part of myself.
the part of me that really just needs to take my art process SLOWLY.
instagram doesn't help with this. nor does present day culture's demand on artists.
instead of creating one piece every month, people are creating several pieces a day.
there is nothing wrong with this! i do it myself, in a mania of inspiration often times. but i do feel the pressure to produce produce, versus sitting with my work to see what could unfold.
this often looks like sitting in quiet and stillness. even when it's kind of painful to do so (let's be honest, i think this is difficult for all of us.)
and not sitting there scanning all the content we can find on social media. but sitting there in stillness. and quietness.
it literally is nearly painful, hence the irony of the statement above "try quiet, it's a fucking riot"
i am advising you to try it, while also implying the truth which is it's not always that fun.
well, that's my post for today.
thank you for supporting, listening, reading, and breathing in my work and art.
it means the world.
chao for now.
contact me about whatever! firstname.lastname@example.org